BLESSINGS!!!

A pastor added me on facebook and I innocently accepted.
Two minutes later his msg came in:.
Pastor: how are you?
Me: am fine my daddy.
Pastor: may the building of heavenly favor collapse on your head
Me: (no reply)
Pastor: may the thunder of Blessing strike you and your family.
Me: (no reply)
Pastor: are you there?
Me: yes my daddy
Pastor: you should be saying amen to claim the Blessings.
Me: ok, May over speeding trailer of blessings jam/crush you and your family like a moving train,
faster than the speed of light in Jesus name.
pastor: make God forgive ur mouth

Akpos - wise boy!

Akpos enters a barber shop. The barber whispers to his customer:
BARBER: This is the dumbest boy in the world. Watch while I prove it to you. 
The barber puts a N50 note in one hand and two N10 notes in the other,then calls the boy and asks:
BARBER: Which do you want, boy?
Akpos takes the two N10 notes and leaves.

BARBER: What did I tell you? Akpos never learns!

Minutes later, when the customer left, he sees Akpos coming out of the ice cream store.

CUSTOMER: Akpos, May I ask you a question? Why did you take the N10 notes instead of the N50 note?
Akpos replied, "Because the day I take the fiftyn aira note, the game is over!" It's beta I collect N20 everyday.

Sales to Akpos!

Akpos went to an electronic store, he asked the storekeeper "what is the price of this TV?"
The storekeeper answered "we don't sell our products to Akpos." 
Akpos again came next day by cutting his beard and asked "what is the price of this TV?" 
The storekeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos". 
The next day Akpos came with a different face and asked "what is the price of this TV?" 
The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos." 
Finally Akpos got irritated and asked the shopkeeper "how do you recognize me every time?" 
The storekeeper replied "because this is not a TV it is Microwave Oven!"

HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR MOTHER IS A NIGERIAN

1) When you say, "Mummy, I'm Sorry!" And she replies, "Sorry for yourself!"

2) When you ask her where you should drop something and she says, “Drop it on my head."

3) When she brings food wrapped in a nylon bag from a party.

4) When you say, ''Mummy, I have fever.” And she replies you, “Why won't you have fever when you press phone every night”

5) When you say, “Mummy I took 2nd in my class.” and she replies, “So the person that took first has two heads abi?”

6) When she takes the DStv remote to work, just to punish you.

7) When you are watching television with her and then she sleeps off and still doesn’t want you to change the channel.

8) When you tell her you are going to a friend's place to play and she asks, ''When last did that friend come here to play with you?

9) When she asks you if the food she served you is enough, and you reply no, and she says, come and eat my own with yours.

10) When she tells you, if I hear Peem, you will hear Ween.

11) When she touches hot pot comfortably without a cloth or paper.

12) When she tells you, ''I didn't kill my mother, so you will not kill me''.

13) When she calls you from your room upstairs and then sends you back upstairs to bring her purse.

14) When you ask her to refund the money you borrowed her and she tells you, "All the food you have been eating in the house nko? Which money did you think was used in buying them?''

DIFFERENCE BTW A FOREIGN FORUM AND A NIGERIA FORUM !

FOREIGN FORUM
Hello, my name is Sandra Stone, I'm from Uk, I love my husband so much and I do anything
to please him on bed.. I even suck his dick too but he has refused to suck mine.. Please advice me how to tell him to go down on me cos i really want my Kitty-Cat juice sucked.


Comments
* James silva : I think u need to talk to him, marriage is communication.
* Sarah water : Oh my dear,sorry about that.. have bin in your shoes before .. I told him right away when we were having sex and he is an expert in it.
* Micheal paper : I get down with my wife, it is cool i love doing it.. you should talk to your husband.


NIGERIAN PAGE !
My name is Aminat, I stay in Abuja, married with a kid, my husband have refused to suck my
p***y, what should i do.. No insults abeg.


Comments
* Dayo muyiwa : Fool, sex na food?
* Nkiru joy : You are a disgrace to womanhood..shame on you
* Idris kunle : Any news about ASUU strike?
* Toheeb sule : If u want i can suck for u call my no 0801231223
* Funmi Leye: I no blame u at all better go find something do with your life, suck koor, soakaway
nii
* Richard oke : Abeg who get bb charger
* Amaka Achebe : U r a prostitute, u need
deliverance!

Wrist work!

A man goes to see his doctor and asks him to prescribe the strongest dose of Viagra he allowed. The doctor asks why he needs such a strong dose? The man explains that he has a couple of young nymphomaniacs coming over and he needs the Viagra to keep up with them.

The doctor quickly agrees and off he goes.

A few days later the man returns to the doctor and this time asks the doctor to prescribe
him the most powerful pain reliever that he can.

The doctor asks, "Why do you need such a strong pain reliever, is your pe*is really sore?"
"No," the man replies. "I need it for my wrists, the two girls never showed up."

IGBO TRADER WRITING WAEC EXAM.

Ebuka told his Oga at the shop to please wait at the gate and pick him up after his WAEC Commerce exam at the Commercial Secondary School where he registered. He was given Commerce Exam question paper and the only question he could answer was question number 3 and it says: 

"Differentiate between a Warehouse and a Shop" (20marks) 

After much thinking he smiled and wrote his answer as fast as he could: Warehouse is at Ojota while Shop is at Alaba market. Then he submitted his paper and went to meet his Oga at the gate. 
OGA: Ebuka, how far? How e be? 
EBUKA: E dey so simple Oga. Question number three say make we differentiate between a warehouse & a shop. 
OGA: Ehen-ehen...Wet in U come write?
EBUKA: hmmm. I write say "warehouse dey for Ojota & shop dey for Alaba. 
OGA: So na the only thing wey U write be dat? EBUKA: Yes Oga. OGA: Chinekemee!!! U dey craze, 'Common go back & put the phone numbers & our complete address. silly boy! Na so dem take dey get customers'.

The Suicide Bets!!

One day Akpos and John were watching T.V when the news came on, showing a man standing on a bridge about to commit suicide, suddenly Akpos said "I'll bet N500 that the guy won't jump off", John said I bet N500 that he will jump.

Unfortunately for Akpos the man jumped off the bridge, Akpos accepted his fate and stretched forth the money but John didn't take it, saying "I can't take the money coz I cheated, I already saw the news this morning" but Akpos insisted and said "no you can take it, I cheated too, I also watched the news this morning, I just didn't know the guy will be silly enough to jump again!"

Ekaitte and the Parrot!

Ekaitte went to the store to buy a parrot trained in the USA and asks the sales person;
"What's so special about this parrot ?"
Sales person says: "This parrot is a genius and can answer any question"
Ekaitte asks the parrot: "How do I look?"
The parrot replies; "You look like a fucking slut?"
Ekaitte gets pissed off and tells the sales person that its a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it despite it was trained in the USA.
The sales person tells Ekaitte to wait for 2 mins...
The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says;
"if you disrespect the lady out there again i'll soak you back in water" and takes the parrot back to the store.
Th sales person apologized to Ekaitte and says she can ask the parrot another question.

Ekaitte: "If I come home with one man what would you think?" 
Parrot: "He's your husband"
Ekaitte: "Two men?"
Parrot: "Your husband and his brother"
Ekaitte: "Three men?"
Parrot: "Your husband, his brother and your brother" 
Ekaitte: "Four men?"
At this time the Parrot turns to the Sales person and says:
"Bring back the fucking bucket of water I already told you she's a slut!!!"

Slappy Story!

John: Baby am gonna tell u a story with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts
Grace: alright love
John: okay am gonna start with part 1.
There was a husband and a wife, they were driving to a camp site when they came upon a split road. The husband says "lets take the left one. The wife say i think we should take the right road." The husband slaps the wife across the face "whose driving me or u?" and they took the left path.
Grace: hahahahaha...

John: now am gonna tell u part 2.
Once they got to the camp the husband goes fishing so his wife can cook dinner. He comes back and the wife says "good now i can cook fish soup for us to eat." The husband says "but i wanna eat fried fish." The wife slaps the husband n says "who is cooking me or u?" and the ended up
drinking fish soup.
Grace: oh crap! Hahaha

John: now am gonna tell u part 4.
Grace: what about part 3?
John: (landed grace a hot slap on the face) who is telling the story me or you?

Love and Marriage!

A group of men gathered at a church conference on how to live in a loving relationship with their wives. The men were asked, "How many of you love your wife ?" All the men raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your wife you love her ?" Some men answered today, some yesterday, majority didn’t remember. The men were then told to take
their cell phones and send the following text to their respective wives: I love you, sweetheart...
Then the men were told to exchange their phones so one can read the other wife's reply to the love message. 
Here are some of the replies:
1. Have you impregnated someone again
2. That was then, not now
3. You wan borrow money abi?
4. What did you do again? I won’t forgive you this time.
5. Meaning?
6. Is that a new song?
7. Am I dreaming?
8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today!
9. U dis man!! I asked you to stop drinking.
10. Abeg na who be this?

Can't stop laughing at the last one!

Money on my mind!

Three business associates, an Igbo man, a Yoruba man and a Chinese man, went to eat lunch together at a restaurant in Surulere.
While in the middle of their meal, a fly came in through the window. It flew across the table to where the Igbo man was but he just waved his hands to chase it away.
The fly then went to where the Yoruba man was, he also chased it away.
Finally, the fly then went to where the Chinese man was and was flying close to his ears. The
Chinese man looked at the fly for sometime and then grabbed it, put it in his mouth and
swallowed it.
The other men saw this but just kept on eating.
About Five minutes later, another fly came in and flew to the Yoruba man who just chased
it away again.
It then flew on to the Igbo man but this time he did not chase the fly, he looked at it for
sometime and then grabbed it. He then turned to the Chinese man and asked "how much you go buy am?"

Cure Your High Blood Pressure

1. A man caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Out of anger, he took his gun and shoots his friend. Out of fear, his wife shouted, "FRANK! FRANK! If u continue like this, u will lose all your friends o!" 
.
2. Peter: teacher, do honey have legs?
Teacher: No, but why do you ask?
Peter: because, last night, i over heard my dad saying, Honey, please open your legs wide. 
.
3. SON: Mom, grandma is so annoying, I wish she will just die.
MOTHER: Idiot, it's your mother that will die not mine. 
.
4. A man goes into a library and asks for a 
book on suicide. 
The librarian says, "Bleep off, you won't bring
it back."
.
5. Ochuko: why are u tip toe-ing in front of the chemist?
Akpos: I don't want to wake the sleeping pills
.
6. Okon: why are u writing this letter so slow?
Akpos: because the person am writing it to, doesn't read fast
.
7. Husband buys 5 of the same color of pants for 
his wife. 
WIFE: Ah! Same color? People will 
think i don't change my panties.
HUSBAND: Which people?
.
8. Teacher: our topic today is question tag. Eg: obi is a boy. Isn't he? Yes he is. Can I have other examples. 
Ochoku: we go chop yam today Chopin't we?
Teacher: wrong, can anybody correct him? 
Akpors: don't mind that block head We go chop yam today. Yamin't we?
Teacher fainted.

Understanding Ladies

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. 

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one." 

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit MECCA but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Saudi Arabia." 

The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." 

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?" 

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?

Executives Jokes

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. 

The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. 

The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!" 

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. 

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you. 

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!" 

Rabbit and Bear

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be precised. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. 

One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. 

"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" 

"Not now! I'm eating." 

"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." 

"No way." 

"Please. It's urgent." 

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. 

"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?" 

"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."

Granny Knows It All.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy." 

"And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the 
room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." 

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

Save a Match!

Akpos and Jaja were trying to light a match. 

Jaja struck the first one and it didn’t work, so he threw it away. 

He struck the second match. That didn’t work either, so he tossed it. Frustrated he asked as Akpos to it a try.

Akpos struck the third one and it lit up. 

“That’s a good one!” he said, blowing it out. “I'm gonna save it!” 

 ewu

The Casanova

Akpos was dying. 

His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with you, your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work"

Hahahahahhahahahahah....

Fake Prophet!

I had tried all possible means to succeed in but to no avail. One day I decided to visit a prophet. The prophet promised to deliver me but I had to pay 15000 Naira. I went and borrowed the money from my uncle.

The next day, I handed over the 15,000 Naira to the prophet. After series of speaking in tongues, the prophet said, "Young man, your mother-in-law is a witch and she is the cause of your problems."

Surprised, I replied, "Ahhhh! But I'm not married."

After another round of speaking in tongues, the prophet said, "Error, error, you did not pull off your shoes outside."

I went outside and pulled off my shoes. The prophet asked, "But do you have a stepmother?"

I replied, "Yes."

After the third round of speaking in tongues, he said, "Yes. yes, yes! Your stepmother covered your destiny inside a pot and hid it under her bed, Go home and break the pot!"

I got angry and pulled off my shirt.

"Wait, wait, wait! What is that for?" The prophet asked.

Angrily, I replied, "Give me back my 15,000 Naira or else two of us will die here!"

The prophet retorted, "Meaning?"

I replied, "Because my stepmother died before my father married my mother!".

Naija Police Smart!

The 9ja police, The 9ja Army, and The Secret Service are all trying to prove that they are the best at CATCHING criminals. The president decided to give them a test. He released a rabbit into a forest - not Sambisa o and each of them has to catch it.

The SSS went in. They placed animal informant throughout the forest and questioned everything. After THREE MONTHS of extensive investigations they concluded that the rabbit does not exist.

The ARMY went in. After TWO WEEKS wit no lead, they burnt the forest, killing everything including the rabbit and they made no apologies.

The POLICE went in. They came out TWO HOURS later with a badly beaten ANTELOPE. The antelope was yelling: Okay! Okay!! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!!... 
Very 'efficient' police!